This past week, Tigers’ GM Dave Dombrowski has shown that he neither fears change, nor losing seasons. In the interest of trimming the Tigers’ expenses, he’s traded Curtis Granderson and Edwin Jackson, failed to retain Placido Polanco and Brandon Lyon, and said that we’ll probably lose Fernando Rodney as well. This may sound like terrible news, but there’s an upside to everything. So fear not Tigers fans, I’m going to show you that for every negative that has come out of the Winter Meetings for the Tigers (i.e. every single one of these deals), there is a positive aspect that you may not have considered:
Con: Curtis Granderson, a fan favorite in Detroit, has been traded off to the Evil Empire. It’s going to be horribly depressing to see Grandy in those ugly Yankee pinstripes next year. I mean, how can you not like the guy? He’s one of the most intelligent players in all of baseball (both of his parents were teachers), he’s a natural leader in the clubhouse, and he’s a stand up member of the Detroit community (he runs sports clinics for inner-city kids in his free time). And if you’ve ever heard him talking to the media you know he’s one of the nicest and most humble guys around. On the field he’s known for hitting clutch home runs and making superhuman diving catches. He’s a great all-around player and it’s a damn shame he’s being traded, especially since many of the New York sports writers are already bitching about how the Yankees don’t need him.
Pro: The only upside to this trade is no longer having to watch Granderson strike out against left-handed pitchers. This was always a problem, especially late in games. All the opposing team had to do was call up the bullpen for a lefty and it was a guaranteed out most of the time. So, no longer will you have to restrain yourself from throwing the remote at the TV when there’s two men on in the eighth with one out and Granderson whiffs on four southpaw pitches. Seriously though, Curtis, you need to work on that in the off season or the crazed horde of jackals that is the New York sports media will be calling for you to get sent down to the Charleston River Dogs (what the hell’s a River Dog, by the way?)
Con: In another brilliant move the Tigers declined to re-sign Placido Polanco and he’s now headed back to Philadelphia. I know it would’ve been expensive to keep him, but he’s worth every penny. The guy went all of 2007 without committing an error, he’s won two Gold Gloves, and he’s one of the few players we could rely on in the clutch last year, bringing in 72 runs all by his lonesome. That’s almost 10% of the Tigers’ anemic offensive output last year. Placido is going to be nearly impossible to replace in the short run.
Pro: You’ll no longer have to stare in horror at the man’s giant goddamn head. Seriously, that thing is enormous! It’s like a f***ing moon, with its own geography of hills and valleys. With his batting helmet off, he looks like some sort of comic book super villain. I don’t think I would be all that surprised if someday, after a strikeout, his bulbous cranium started pulsating and he lit the umpire on fire with his mind.
Con: Further proof of Detroit’s financial woes can be seen in their failing to re-sign Brandon Lyon, who was one of the few bright spots in the bullpen last season. Making matters even worse, Dombrowski has commented that re-signing Fernado Rodney would be a “long shot” at this point. This just seems to be putting our already shaky bullpen in a situation where they have the power to cause f***ups of epic proportions.
Pro: Get ready for Pitching Prospect Musical Chairs, everybody! With the possibility of an abysmal bullpen comes the opportunity for a different bright-eyed youngster to try his hand at The Show every night. Imagine the possibilities! Will this eager young lad’s arm give out after a month? Or will he simply suffer a mental breakdown before a live TV audience? Maybe he’ll fuck up in some way that you never even thought possible! The possibilities are endless and the chances for exciting wild pitches are numerous.
Con: With the departure of Edwin Jackson, the Tigers starting pitching could be less than great next year. We’ll still have Verlander and Porcello, hopefully, but the rest of our possible starters don’t give me much hope. Willis would probably have trouble hitting the strike zone if he were throwing underhand in the Beer Leagues, Galarraga seems to take perverse pleasure in blowing games with multiple-run innings, and Bonderman can’t seem to stay healthy (probably due to the massive amount of tobacco he chews and always being pissed off). Robertson only started a few games last season and wasn’t all that impressive. The prospect of Bonine and Miner getting more starts doesn’t make me all that excited either.
Pro: Free seat upgrade! All you have to do is go to Comerica on a night that Verlander or Porcello aren’t pitching and wait until the third inning. Whatever sorry excuse for a starter we’ve put in that night will probably have been torn a new asshole by now so people will be leaving in droves. That $5 obstructed view Skyline seat that you bought has now been upgraded to a $70 On-Deck Circle seat! Who cares if you’re watching the Tigers go down in flames, you’re sitting in the lap of luxury like a stone cold playa’. Maybe you’ll even get on TV! So put your feet up, take a long pull off of your $8 Bud Light, and be happy that at least you don’t have to be out on the field getting lit up by the f***ing Royals.
I laughed about Polanco.
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